I've never done a blog before. Hell I haven't written anything like this since trying to keep a dream journal in the 90's. This is different. I've always known that writing can help a person learn more about themselves and what's going on around them. So here is the first installment.
To begin I will preface this by stating I have always had a recurring self-esteem problem. Sometimes a lot sometimes not so much. I really identified with the “Peanuts” character “Charlie Brown.” It seemed he could never get a break and found myself thinking “That’s me.”
So, it all started when an ex-girlfriend and I broke up after a tumultuous 4-1/2 year relationship. Devastated, I started going to the local public library to search for self-help improvement books, ranging from “how to be the best boyfriend” to “how to think on your feet.” Those books then morphed into hypnosis, NLP, lucid dreaming, OBE’s, etc., etc. You name it I probably read it.
A friend suggested Eckhart Tolle and I became engulfed with what I was desperately trying to embody: The Now. Worked sometimes but never really stuck. Soon after I had discovered Adyashanti and he seemed really cool but again I couldn’t replicate his results in me. Byron Katie helped me to discover “Is it true?” and the fact that “I” do the negative things to me not “others.”
My next discovery was Jed McKenna. Holy shit this was so what I was looking for, a no bullshit description and step by step of enlightenment. Although this was a big piece of the puzzle, it was very violent and painful for me at the moment as I was experiencing extreme depression exacerbated by large amounts of alcohol, enough to put me in a 72-hr suicide watch. What an experience THAT was.
Then Dad passed away and a shimmer of light happened. Although I missed him greatly I couldn’t really find the sadness. Don’t get me wrong I felt (and still occasionally feel) extreme moments of grief and sadness, but it was for me not Dad. Whoa…
I was noodling around one night on an Eckhart fan message board and someone had made some flippant “I don’t care” kind of statement and the response was, “Are you from the RT site?” In that moment a bell went off in my head and immediately googled “RT”, found the Ruthless Truth website and started poking around there. I didn’t really feel safe there as I didn’t feel like getting ripped apart (yet) lol.
I found the RT nexus on Facebook, started a dialog with Mircea and found myself trying to justify everything I was saying in order NOT to look. It’s called “slithering.”
Kevin then called me out on it saying I wasn’t worth the time and move on, I wasn’t ready. I blew a gasket! I wrote back, “You don’t know me or my situation!”, but I didn’t say it that nicely. But then I thought, “How can I take his comment so personally when he doesn’t even know me??? DING! I cooled down later and after deleting my scathing comment, pm’ed an apology but he said “Apology not accepted man, Go LOOK!”
3 days later illusion of self was clear.
Thanks Kevin and Mircea.
I appreciate you reading this, and please leave a comment if you like.